Here we are again, on the page where I feel the most at home, at peace, this is where I choose to be. This morning as I was writing my morning pages, I got very angry with myself, I have been procrastinating for far too long. The theme of wasting time has been showing in my morning pages for a few weeks now. I am very aware that I’m pushing off what I need to do now, until later. The ego is whispering fairly loudly, “there’s always tomorrow, let’s watch a movie, let’s go to the beach, let’s. . . .”
Does this sound familiar? Do you struggle with your ego trying to persuade you to do something else rather than sit down and write? I literally wrote the last sentence, got up and rolled up my yoga mat, I puttered to my book shelf to find some inspiration passage to share with you, looked through the cupboard in the kitchen for what I might want for breakfast and then I said “get back to the page!” I did use some profanity, because that’s what I do when I’m really mad with myself, I point and shake my finger at myself, ‘you know better!’
Now that I’m back on the page, I feel much better, why would I ever want to leave? What would I ever want to think that puttering around is better than sitting here writing? That’s the question, that’s why I’m here, to share my struggle with the obstacles of getting here, right here on the blank page typing these words. It’s so simple once I start, why can’t I bottle this moment and use it every time I sit down to write?
The one other theme I’m having fun with these days is lack of follow through. I have been blessed with amazing ideas that creativity has chosen me to write. I scribble the ideas down desperately to make sure I capture the glimpse of the story and promise I will get back to it. Well, I’m bored with this promise that I keep breaking, it’s been a theme for far too long and I’m so ready to move on from this limitation.
I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist or an unexpected ending. My fear was a song with only one note – only one word, actually – and that word was “STOP!” My fear never had anything more interesting or subtle to offer than that one emphatic word, repeated at full volume on an endless loop: “STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!” Which means that my fear always made predictably boring decisions, like a choose-you-own-ending book that always had the same ending: nothingness. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic
I never use to have a lot of fear, but fear does show up from time to time and I am aware of it. When I push through the fear I get to the other side to the heart of the matter, to what I really want to write about, what I have to share. The word that I sing now is “GO, GO, GO!” Creativity guides me with support and love and I end up right here on the page. For that I am very grateful.
How do you deal with your fear, your procrastination? Do you have tricks that get you on the page and how do you stay here? Sharing our stories helps others to get right here and now.
Until next time, keep on typing. . . .