Where am I at the moment? I feel like I’m in limbo, between emotions, thoughts, joy, fear, anger, yes, I’m going through some stages of loss and grief, but I know it’s for the best, the loss of a relationship that never really was to be in the first place. But, then I say ‘no, everything happens for a reason’, I’ve lived by this notion for most of my life. I understand that happens for a reason, I learn what is needed and move on, it’s a pretty simple concept but a scary one at the same time. If I decided to stay in Nova Scotia before I got on the plane to Alberta when I was nineteen, then everything I’ve experienced might not have happened, I can’t speculate because I did leave and I did experience everything I went through; the good, bad and ugly even the ugliest I made way through to the other side, how? Because I continued to write. I knew I had to keep writing no matter what, no matter how drunk, high or tired I was. I didn’t care that I would wake up from an all nighter’ filled with beer and distant memories of cocaine laced joints, the one thing I still had my writing to tell the truth, to shamefully put down on the page how much weed I smoked and how many beers I pounded back, yes I didn’t sip my drinks, I gulped them down a thirsty beaver. I wanted to drown my pain of being dreadfully normal and plain and labelled as the good girl to someone who went with the flow and could be trusted with a secret. I kept a lot of secrets and I put them all down the page to keep them hidden, the stories I wrote were the thoughts and feelings people spilled over to me during their moments of drunkenness, their moments of weakness. I shared too, maybe a little more than I should, but I did, I wanted to be accepted, quick pro-quo, right? I had hoped they kept my darker side close to their heart.
The only thing that kept me going was my writing, the creativity, the one thing that remained confident in me and I wanted to show my faith, my gratitude, as I do today. I am persistent in writing because I care about writing, I care about my well-being and if I’m not writing I’m not really that well, I’m actually a bitch, the nasty kind where I can’t seem to focus on anything and everything agitates me, I mean to no end kind of agitation. Yeah, its not pretty and you know what, I am fully aware of this side of me, and for that I am grateful; and I know that if I continue to write then I am in balance and more than okay.
As I continue on with Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I am reminded by her sharing that yes, I am here to create. I am meant to create. Sometimes people don’t understand me and my love affair with my creativity, I’m willing to give it all for my beloved writing. The characters that whisper sweet nothings into my ear and then gently demand me to write down their story, and if I don’t write it down I’m under the impression my characters or a version of my characters will end up in someone’s head and I can’t have that, I want to tell their story and so I shall.
Do you have the courage? Do you have the courage to bring forth this work? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes. ~ Jack Gilbert (not relation to Elizabeth Gilbert)
I have the courage, sure I’m scared as shit, but I’m yelling out ‘YES’ to my hidden treasures, as I create and listen I am being lead – thank you!
Until next time, keep on type….