Sometimes our lives are not always warms and fuzzy, peaches and cream or ice cream with whip cream and a cherry on top. This would be wearing rose colored glasses with the notion that nothing bad or uncomfortable happened. This would be naive to think that you are always going to be always right here in the the moment. I have practiced mindful meditation and generally known as Switzerland. I’m pretty neutral, always in every situation, personally and professionally. I never liked conflict and would run away when a hint of uncomfortableness wafted its way remotely close to my nose. I was like brae rabbit high tailing it towards the brier patch. Vamous!
Where is this coming from? Why am I upset? Why am I showing a little of my dark side? I have been hurt. But, I have only myself to look at for this feeling. I knew better and I still invited the devilish past back into my life. Yes, that’s a pretty harsh image, but when it comes to the ego, the ego likes to use labels and point fingers.
I’m actually pretty sensitive and heart broken over the failure of a friendship, over two friendships within the past month. I’m shocked at the lack of breath I have from the lingering toxic banter and the ego, the old behavior screams out, questioning, am I really this way? Am I a bad friend? Do people think I’m that bad of a person? The ego loves to put it’s talons into the true self and squeeze real hard until I break and go running back to the old ways, begging to be forgiven and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be like it was. But that was the old way and this is now, this is right here and now. I am filled with true regret and heart-ache because some of what was shared was true, but both parties are to look at themselves to really see who we each other are. I have had to much of this drama in my family when I was growing up and I made a decision not to have any drama in my life, and I haven’t, until now and I have to ask myself, how did this happen? How did I let this happen again? Like a bad boyfriend you want to hold a little longer because you “think” it’s going to change. Guess what. It’s not going to change.
I once had a dream and heard a phrase something like this ‘I’m so tired I can’t even swallow.’ the image was a girl with a very long, sad face and her hands cupped under her chin as salavia dribbles down her chin. The other part of that image that stands out for me is the girl was wearing these beautiful red shoes, she didn’t want the shoes to get wet from her own salavia. I don’t know where this dream came from or why I am able to remember these few details, but that dream was years ago and I still can see the images. I’m so tired of the drama that I, the one who invited it back into my world. I will have to be the one who ends the cycle.
Sometimes we are faced with uncomfortable situations and the ego tries to wiggle itself out of the old behavior, but I know it’s not going to get any better if I try to listen to the ego. I have to write, write it down and let it go. I have to listen to the writing, because when I put it down on the page I am filled with the emotions that I am feeling, but I am able to see the words that I put down and reflect on what the fuss is over, because right now in this very moment there is something else happening that blows this petty little situation right out of the water! And guess what, this really doesn’t matter. I am a creative and spiritual being having a very human experience and now I know to end the cycle of this situation, I must face my human fear and let it be just as it is.
Thank you for letting me share with you, they say a sharing in you is a sharing in me.
Until next time, keep on typing….