It’s been almost two weeks since the 3 day novel contest and I haven’t been really able to sit down and write a lot. This is my frustration, this is my fear, not being able to create as I tapped myself out in 72 hours and then I tried to focus on my memoir project days later. I found myself resenting my choice of participating in the novel contest, why didn’t I focus all that energy on the current book I am writing now? Why didn’t I enjoy a long week-end from the hotel-life, go away like normal couples and enjoy the last summer holiday? Because I’m a writer and my vacation’s are spend writing, even if we are in Maui, I’m writing. It doesn’t matter where I am, I’m writing. I get this, I just don’t like that I doubt or have regrets about my choices at times, and this is clearly the ego talking, the self doubter that likes to hold onto hold thoughts and behaviours, so to the ego, mess off!
Yesterday was actually one of those A-Ha moments, it actually started in the morning and hasn’t really ended. It started off with a Twitter comment. I replied back to a woman I follow, she tweeted:
You’ll chop off the first pages of your novel in the consecutive drafts anyway, so the beginning of your draft is like clearing your throat.
I responded after a few more tweets:
I’m possibly on my 10th version of a story, things keep evolving & I now think I’ve found my voice for this one
If you’re on the 10th version of your story, you might want to let it go and start a new one. You might be burned out.
Then someone else joined in on the conversation saying:
I struggle with multiple versions. I’m never fully satisfied.
Well hello! There are others out there that struggle with the same writing woes. As I read the conversation I started to think maybe I was burnt out, maybe I’m done with this story, and even a new friend of mine said it was time to let go and send the novel off to get edited and the ultimate goal to be published. Her words rang true when we spoke last week but I ignored them when I returned to my hotel-life routine of getting up, going to work and not writing until my week-end. That’s a bad routine to be in especially when you crave to create! So I let the twitter conversation settle and I silently asked for a little help on the next step…
…then as silly as this may sound, I watched a Big Bang Theory episode where Sheldon decides to discontinue his career in trying to prove The String Theory. Penny sums it up like ending a relationship, shake hands, say good-bye and walk away. Did this mean the same for me and the memoir I’m trying to complete? Should I end it, shake hands and walk away? Now there were two signs that I was paying attention too, but where they the kind of signs that the ego manifested, or just randomness that happens everyday? Then I had a 15 minute chair massage the therapist worked more on my head and shoulders as I hold a lot of tension as a writers and I sit at a desk for 75% of my work day. During the massage something lifted, thoughts, feelings, time…I was in meditation and all I felt was “it’s all going to be okay…” and you know what, it is okay. I might be a little burnt out with one project but I am aware and I am aware that I need to finish this project, I need to break the cycle of my possible commitment issues, the fear of actually completely something; it stems from a long string of background noise that one day will be shared. But guess what I did finish something – I finished a novel in 3 days and I have to remind myself of that.
While I was at work I feel very light, a weight of some sort has been lifted and I had a productive day at the hotellife; then I went home, sat down and focused on one chapter of the memoir and it felt great! It felt great to just sit and be with the writing and this is how I know it’s all going to be okay…and that’s part of this great writing life!
Until next time my friends….keep on typing