Stuck

I’m stuck, but in one way I’m not. It’s the battle between ego and true self – the ultimate ping-pong match. Back and forth the ego and the true self hit the ball – ‘now it’s my turn.’ the ego wants control, the true self wants just to be. I crave to just be – and what does that mean, just to be? Well that’s another journey…

The reason I’m feeling stuck is from old behavior’s that the ego can easily identify with, if something doesn’t go the way I thought it might, but deep down I kinda knew what the truth was, the ego still holds onto that feeling  of disappointment, then turns into blame then anger, denial and finally avoidance. It’s a circle I’m very familiar with and one that I am breaking every day, every moment.

Yesterday my writing mentor/editor pulled out some hard truths and at first I felt like I was getting dumped, just feeling like I was being left behind. I desperately tried to cover up to make things right, but then I knew he was right, my manuscript is not ready for the contest I thinking about entering. The story is not quite there yet – I knew this even before I decided on doing the contest, I “thought” I could power house through the editing stage to get the manuscript ready in two months and it could happen, I just need to be realistic about how that would look. Then the ego took over and I became angry then filled with hopelessness about my writing. I even thought “What have I been wasting my time on? What was I thinking I could write?” Then I took a deep breath, mediated and felt a bit better, I knew this was part of the process, I know this is part of the process and not about the product. (Thank you Julia Cameron).

Now, I’m sitting in Serious Coffee with my writing friend and chatting about our next projects. Deep down I know I have a lot of work to do on my manuscript because I’ve kept my story at an arm’s length, and there is nowhere to hide in memoir ~ Marjorie Simmins

Until next time…keep on typing

 

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