Confessions of a writer

commit

I’ve made this commitment to myself that I would write everyday and I want to share my work. I do write daily. I write my morning pages and usually on my days off I write more than a thousand words a day. When I’m working during the week I try to get at least five hundred words a day in – some days are better than others.

I get these amazing ideas and they are laid out so perfectly in my mind, down to what the characters look like. Then I sit down and begin to write, it seems like I can’t write fast enough, the characters are talking so quickly, the plot is right there in front of my face and then bam! Like a truck t-boning into a truck filled with explosives the ego creeps in, no it charge in and makes me tired. My eyes get heavy, my fingers like weights on the keyboard and I find myself wanting to walk away to take a nap – I push through this first stage of old behaviors, the ego’s favorite comfort zone, to walk away. I continue to write and sometimes it feels like the longest blink and I am still typing, I open my eyes and I’ve written something but it doesn’t make sense. The ego strikes again! This time I give in, I’m pissed off, I make some tea wander around the apartment, start the laundry, dust some window ledges, fill in the time but deep down all I want to be doing is writing….it’s a vicious circle.

writer

Yesterday I attendant my second Crime Writer’s of Canada workshop. I go because I like to surround myself with other writers. I have a few friends that I have connected with over the past two years and we sit together and enjoy the panel discussions. I have to confess last year I was more jealous than anything, majority of the people in the workshop and the organizers are successful published authors, they write madly and publish either one or two books a year. I felt very inadequate around these people yet still left with a sense of inspiration, I can do this, I can keep writing and I too will be published if I just get my ass in gear and put myself out there.  Did I mention that most of these writers are retired or work one or two days a week and have more time to write and work on their stories. This was the part that made the little green monster wake up and spit in my mouth. Then I tell myself that I have to be more disciplined and write at any given chance!

This year was different. No green monsters, only gratitude of meeting new people, making writing dates to work with other writers, to bounce ideas off of, to connect, to learn, to be. As we listened to the panel discussions this year I had so many ideas floating around, and when I talked to other writers about play writing and another memoir idea more ideas rushed in, I was happy that I attend and will continue to attend.

After the workshop I was scheduled to work at my job which I’m so grateful for, however at the moment I witnessed how much I just wanted to go home and write. I headed to work and the rest of the evening slipped by as I was presented with the constant reminder of the next idea that I’ve been working on. I heard my true self whispering very clearly “Keep writing, it’s the key.” What is the key you may ask, which I’ve asked myself from time to time. It’s the key to my happiness, to my being, it’s the key of my job in this world and I’m in the business of making it happen.

We all have fears. We have to make changes to kick those fears to the curb and keep doing what makes us happy. I have the fear that the ego is going to make me tired once I sit down to write, but I’m happy to report that I haven’t wanted to walk away during this writing session.

Thank you for dropping in and until next time…keep on writing.

ego

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