My deepest condolences…

December 29th, 4:30pm I found out that my godmother has passed away. She was diagnosed with lung cancer and a brain tumor less than a year ago. Less than a month ago her doctors told her treatment wouldn’t be an option; the cancer had spread too far, too quickly.  I cried a week before Christmas knowing my godmother was not going to be with us much longer. It makes you think a lot.  It made me think a lot, when my mediation practice is not to think, just let the thoughts pass by, along with the emotions. I couldn’t help but feel what I was feeling and letting it all be there just as it is. I started with the guilt setting in of not taking the time to pick up the phone to call; only Facebook chats and texting – I always thought of her and I know she knows that I was thinking of her.

For a week I’ve just been letting the grieving process happen. Sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I’m not. I had moments where I thought I forgot how to swallow. I was numb from the thought that she was gone. I went through denial, where I tried hard to think that “this was not really happening”, but it was.  There are other people involved, her husband, her children, my mother, they were best friends and that’s why she asked Diane to be my godmother. I thank the universe for putting people together for the bigger picture in life.  Who knew that when my godmother was named guardian of me in the event that my parents could not, that one day I would be flying to Calgary to stay with my godparents before I moved to Lake Louise for a summer job. Who knew my god mother and I would share evenings at the kitchen table drinking whiskey and ginger ale’s, playing cards and just enjoying the moment. We shared stories, laughter and tears. Who knew I would have my heart broken when living in Alberta and my godparents were right there to hold my hand and just be there for me.  For this, I am grateful, for the experience for the moments.

I started writing this on December 29th when I found out my godmother died, but I couldn’t finish it. I didn’t know how to say it out loud, I didn’t want the attention of hearing “Sorry to hear about your godmother.” I know people mean well, but I didn’t want to show a fake smile, so I decided not to. When people asked me how I was doing, I would tell the truth, “I’m not okay, but thank’s for asking”.

I went through the “I can’t handle being around people” phase, but I pushed through that. I knew that my god mother would be pissed off if she knew I blew off friends because I was having a “pity party” over her death. Yes, she knows I would be grieving but she wouldn’t expect me to sit around a pout. She would want me to enjoy life and surround myself with supportive and loving friends.

I went to a Blue Rodeo concert with friends last night and I am so happy that I kicked myself in the ass to go.  Not only did I have a good time, I let myself cry during some of the songs that reminded me of times in Calgary with Diane, I let myself enjoy the evening and I’m so grateful for the experience!

Try -One of my favourite Blue Rodeo songs.

So I’m going to celebrate her life as she would want us to. She loved to cook good food and mix a mean drink of whiskey and ginger ale. I’m making a nice dinner this evening, using her “love pocket potatoes” recipe that we love! I toast to a great soul who made me laugh, cry and not give a shit about what other people thought about me. Cheers! I love you Diane.

Love Pocket Potatoes

  • Two sheets of tin foil, one on top of each other.
  • Spread a thin later of butter on the bottom.
  • cut potatoes into either small cubes or one dollar coin size spread on top of butter and pile on potatoes (we like to put both potatoes and yams in together).
  • Add pepper, sea salt on top of potatoes (we use oregano or other fresh herbs)
  • Add a teaspoon or so of butter on top, wrap up the tin foil into a square or rectangle shape.
  • Add to BBQ for about 45mins to 1hr (on med. heat)
  • Remove from BBQ, open up tin foil package and enjoy!
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